


Greeker than the Greeks

by nostalgebraist



Category: Ulysses - James Joyce
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:56:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgebraist/pseuds/nostalgebraist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephen Dedalus and Leopold Bloom don't part ways at the end.  Instead, they have sex.  In authentic verbose catechistic Q&A style!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Greeker than the Greeks

**Author's Note:**

> I kept thinking "someone should write Dedalus/Bloom slash in the style of the Ithaca episode," where by "someone" I meant "someone who actually knows Ulysses really well and could do it right," but then I thought "well no one _is_ doing it, and it'd be _fun_ . . . "
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm not James Joyce (obviously). My memories of Ulysses are pretty hazy. I tried to sound like the Ithaca episode, in what I hoped was a funny way, and to not contradict the book in any way I was aware of, but I'm sure I got lots of things wrong in one sense or another.
> 
> This starts off at the point right before Stephen and Bloom part ways. To set the scene and clarify the point where I'm branching off, I copied the first three question/answers directly from Ulysses. I wrote everything from "By what event . . . " to the end.

Were they indefinitely inactive? 

At Stephen's suggestion, at Bloom's instigation both, first Stephen, then Bloom, in penumbra urinated, their sides contiguous, their organs of micturition reciprocally rendered invisible by manual circumposition, their gazes, first Bloom's, then Stephen's, elevated to the projected luminous and semiluminous shadow.

 

Similarly?

The trajectories of their, first sequent, then simultaneous, urinations were dissimilar: Bloom's longer, less irruent, in the incomplete form of the bifurcated penultimate alphabetical letter who in his ultimate year at High School (1880) had been capable of attaining the point of greatest altitude against the whole concurrent strength of the institution, 210 scholars: Stephen's higher, more sibilant, who in the ultimate hours of the previous day had augmented by diuretic consumption an insistent vesical pressure.

 

What different problems presented themselves to each concerning the invisible audible collateral organ of the other?

To Bloom: the problems of irritability, tumescence, rigidity, reactivity, dimension, sanitariness, pelosity. To Stephen: the problem of the sacerdotal integrity of Jesus circumcised (1st January, holiday of obligation to hear mass and abstain from unnecessary servile work) and the problem as to whether the divine prepuce, the carnal bridal ring of the holy Roman catholic apostolic church, conserved in Calcata, were deserving of simple hyperduly or of the fourth degree of latria accorded to the abscission of such divine excrescences as hair and toenails.

 

By what event was Stephen’s course of associative ideation disrupted?

The simultaneous cessation of flow by mutual bulbocavernosal action, which by perceptible change of state caused Stephen to consider anew the changed objects, attending now to their capacity as producers of primary sense impressions rather than their capacity to excite the understanding.

 

His contentions?

That from the low heavy tone just produced by Bloom one could divine some aspects of that tone’s source and its geometry, by analogy to the relative dimensions of those devices which convert airflow into melody; that in the terms of this construction Bloom’s fluent spongiosal resonating body corresponded to the contrabassoon or tuba as contrasted with the flute or piccolo; that these acoustical propensities could be altered by erection, by inadvertent injury, or by covenantal circumcision; that Abraham and his male descendants thus distinguished themselves by a higher emictive pitch, as did also those men not among the aforementioned who were born into the household of the aforementioned or bought with money by the same; that this, perhaps, prefigured the high diffuse spattersounding tinkle of Sanctus bells, as Jonah’s confinement for three days and three nights formed the type or _figura rerum_ of Christ’s burial and subsequent resurrection; that the evident import of this last conjecture supplied sufficient reason to verify or disprove the original premise by direct investigation.

 

What disruption in the symmetry of the two parallel bodies was occasioned by the asymmetry in contemporaneous cogitation?

By an abrupt furtive motion, made with superlative care, Stephen’s head turned along an oblique plane to point aside and down, whereupon he glimpsed the object of his interest half concealed by the curved shadow of Bloom’s still proximate hand, its remaining part barely visible under the commingled starlight and paraffinlight, but this part was, as supposed, extensive in length, being also considerable in girth, flaccid in vascular state, uncut in covenantal state.

 

Did Bloom remain ignorant of this development?

By use of the limited powers of his extrafoveal retina, Bloom discerned the presence of motion to his side without forming any impression of the motive body.With the quickness assumed by the human animal under these conditions, which quickness ably equipped Bloom for adroitness of flight if confronted by a felid or canid of the larger kind, a mature ursid of any species, or a conspecific animated by racial, national or credal enmity or by the like effects of private passions, he reflexively turned to meet Stephen’s downturned gaze.

 

The consequences for Bloom?

A lightness in the head, a sudden fierce ruddy hotness of the cheeks, a stillness of the limbs, a quickness and irregularity in the heartbeat, an unaccountable tumescence.

 

The consequences for Stephen?

The same.

 

Next?

After a brief silent pause Stephen kissed each of Bloom’s ruddy cheeks in sequence, then each again according to the same scheme, then finally pressed his lips against Bloom’s for a culminative and sustained osculation, which Bloom received willingly although without reciprocal motion.

 

What exculpatory arguments did Stephen now produce, and in what manner?

With quick breathless speech Stephen expounded upon the kiss as practice having a multitude of distinct noncontiguous teloi, producing as exempla the consanguinous nonerotic kisses of Joseph and his kin, the affinitive kiss of Jonathan and David, the greeting kiss in general and the Kiss of Peace in particular, the Christbetraying kiss of Judas a sin great but not lustful, with which catalogue having been exhausted he turned without delay to the ingestive history of himself and Bloom as restricted to the date of 16 June 1904, attending in particular to their indulgence in beer wine and spirits and the variegated pattern in which those three beverages had been commingled, thus rendering likely a correlative disorder in the nervous system, which when compounded by continued profound intoxication could provide cause for man to act not in accordance with his own nature or even with any other nature, but with motions purely erratic which could not be illuminated by dwelling upon them and would be passed over without undue reflection by the wise and temperant, nearly in fact as though it had not occurred.

 

What changes were undertaken by Stephen’s oration as it neared the end of its course?

It became a mumbling fumbling bumbling crumbling edifice tumbling towards shamefaced silence.

 

With what was this void filled?

With Bloom’s looming bulk advancing to meet its target, which having touched it continued to touch and kiss with an abandon in which most, if not all, normal and reasonable observers would discern elements of eros.

 

Did the two then resume their previous positions?

No, for the experience transfixed both with such variety and intensity of sensation that directed ambulation was beyond their remaining powers, which were in fact limited to the production of halting overlapping fragments of speech.

 

On which topics?

Bloom’s suspicions regarding Marion Bloom and Blazes Boylan; the elusiveness of sustained satisfaction in conjugal relations; Malachi Mulligan’s allegations concerning Bloom’s interest in the posterior caudal regions of certain Greek statues on display in the National Museum, and Mulligan’s inferences therefrom; the buttocks as curiosity in human anatomy, possessing a round womanly softness even in many men, in opposition to the stark dimorphism of the breasts; the relative erotic appeal of these two opposed parts, Bloom admitting to strong partisanship for the former, indeed almost a nationalism for that dear motherland with its gently rolling fields; the distinctively unwomanly firmness exhibited now by both in the anterior counterpart to the aforementioned feature, itself felt in each by each alone and also in each by the other owing to their present proximity; the fellow-feeling held by each for the other; their simultaneous insistent need for erotic release; the possibilities on which these diverse lines of reflection converged; the pederasty practiced even by those Greeks without whom St. Thomas Aquinas could not have been; the prudence of obtaining cover even beyond the cover of night; the house, where Marion was asleep and with the exertion of sufficient care would remain in that state.

 

What was revealed therein?

The full unclothed figures of both, Stephen’s appreciated by Bloom both for its lack of definitively masculine musculature and for the symmetric harmonious catenarial curve between his virtually rectilinear back and calves, Bloom’s appreciated by Stephen for the still-remaining evidence of Eugen Sandow’s indirect ameliorative effect upon Bloom’s muscular composition, and more forcefully by Bloom’s generative organ, once glimpsed in limp postemictive form, now raised to its full operative height.

 

Its dimensions?

Between 18 and 19 centimetres from base to tip, a median width of two centimetres as a nearly exact figure, and a circumference between twelve and thirteen centimetres, slightly upwardcurving in its distal half, having a bulbous head in conformance with the human norm but nonetheless skewed towards overall sustained girth, the head thus playing a role in the composition without dominating it, that composition in toto being of the kind often rashly likened to that of various male animals reputed for their virility, although more careful and scientific observation reveals that even the modest domestic boar typically achieves twice Bloom’s linear measurements and thus exceeds his volume eightfold.

 

What erotic practice was first attempted by the pair, and in what way did it fail?

Bloom eyeing Stephen’s buttocks with relish, Stephen eyeing Bloom’s penis with something approaching piety, it was mutually agreed without delay that these two features should in some way be brought into conjunction.The two having assumed respective bent and standing positions, an experimental sortie was made and abruptly halted by the swift closing of ranks on the defending side; a series of subtler maneuvers overcame the defense and the battle for the citadel began in earnest, a clash so rough and vicious that a great wail went up from both sides and an immediate retreat was effected.

 

What recent purchase by Bloom now caused him to reflect on his uncommon luck and inadvertent genius?

Molly’s skin lotion, bought from the chemist at Sweny’s on Lombard Street.

 

In what ways did the newly anointed Bloom serve as savior?

He saved the integrity of his and Stephen’s nether regions; he saved the day.

 

What frequency did Bloom attain in the periodic motion that followed?

In its earliest and most tentative phases, merely a single cycle per six or eight seconds, but at full intensity a figure close to one cycle per second, close to though somewhat less frequent than the rate of heart contractions assuming in a resting and untroubled state, eighty six thousand four hundred times more frequent than the full rotation of the earth about its axis, and thirty one million five hundred thirty six thousand times as frequent as the full passage of the earth in its orbit about the sun.

 

Was Bloom satisfied?

Abruptly, explosively, with an ill-advised grunt, thoroughly, profoundly.

 

And Stephen?

Astonished, braced, rapt, but still without release.

 

Was there a topic that Bloom considered apposite to mention at this juncture?

His familiarity with the works of Sacher-Masoch and Lovebirch, and the existence of certain acts which his wife refused to perform.

 

Stephen’s response?

That a Jesuit education might have been of more benefit to Bloom than it had been to himself; that the wish to create was in a certain sense the wish to control; that there were no suitable implements ready to hand.

 

Was this the case?

A variety of options in fact presented themselves to Bloom, but Stephen’s comment concerning literary creation drew his thoughts in the peculiar direction of the bookshelf.

 

His instruction to Stephen?

To retrieve the thick, firm, bulky second volume of Hozier's History of the Russo-Turkish War.

 

What new use, entirely unanticipated by Hozier, was found for his work?

The repeated paddling of Bloom’s upturned rump, which proved fleshy enough to sustain the most force Dedalus could muster, that quantity being greater than either suspected in light of the latter’s physique.

 

Did Stephen perform this labor in silence?

He produced with excruciating eloquence an extended extemporaneous extrapolation of the present circumstances into a cohabitative future characterized by Stephen’s freedom and Bloom’s subservience as simultaneous slave, housekeeper, muse, and prisoner, elaborated along material lines with a variety of restraining chains, manacles, ropes and gags and along psychic lines with a sketch of Bloom’s expansive contentment extending even unto an acceptance of other men and women’s presence in the home for Stephen’s, but not Bloom’s, carnal purposes.

 

Could Stephen restrain himself against the force of his own invention?

Handling Hozier with one hand only he put the other to a different use.

 

How long did this state of affairs continue?

For thirteen seconds.

 

Was Stephen satisfied?

Immeasurably.

 

Then?

Bloom and Dedalus collapsed in unison on the prune plush sofa and sat in mutual nonplussed contemplation of each other and themselves, both noting their several lingering aches, the tangible persisting adherence of unaccustomed fluids, the acutely angled rays of the newly risen sun, the implied revolution of the earth, the apparent contemporaneous revolution in their standing relative to one another, the redoubled weariness of their limbs, the pillowlike capability of each body for the other, the travels and the rest and the home and the sofa and the silence and the sleep.


End file.
